I have always been the kind of person who can find some form of entertainment value in just about anything I watch. Sure, I have tons of “favorite” shows and genres, but for the most part all TV shows and movies have some redeeming qualities. As a former public school teacher and school counselor, I can say most shows still get the day to day minutia of those positions wrong, but I’ll keep watching.
As a psychotherapist, yet again TV shows miss the mark time and time again. Friends will send me scenes from shows and ask “is this basically what therapy looks like?” and I can tell you, 99.9% of the time, no it really isn’t— or at least it shouldn’t look like that.
In this two part series “Media representation of therapy” I’ll explore what therapy should and should not look like. Consumers of therapy deserve to know what the client and therapist relationship entails for their own safety and well being, and I’m happy to describe it to you.
Today, specifically, we’re going to talk about sex therapy through the context of Sex, Love, and Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s heavily entertaining and somewhat informative show about sex and sexual experimentation. If you watched and enjoyed this show, as I stated— that’s ok! There’s entertainment value in most media, but this show really gets sex therapy wrong, and I would like to explain why.
Gwyneth Paltrow is an experimental powerhouse. Personally, I enjoy the TV shows she produced because the world is full of interesting people and experiences, and she captures that. These shows are entertaining— but that does not mean they aren’t controversial or even risky. I am simply trying to be honest with myself that like other people, I was entertained. There’s no shame in the being entertained game— but there is shame that Gwyneth doesn’t have a single licensed professional on her show to explain the dangers of the practitioners she highlights ( I suppose that would ruin the show, wouldn’t it?)
Sex, Love, and Goop is one of her most recent installments of Goop media where she meets “sexologists” and other sexual wellness “experts” and “coaches” to teach her audiences about various topics of sex. What she does not have in the show is a sex therapist.
First, she introduces a couple to Michaela Boehm, self proclaimed “relationship coach” She watches the couple interact and coaches them on how to touch and simulate sex with each other. She highlights a power imbalance, suggesting that the couple has a poor sex life due to the wife “mothering” her husband (without any exploration why that dynamic has occurred, but instead blaming the wife that she talks down to her husband). This power dynamic has likely occurred in their sex life due to an ongoing imbalance in other aspects of their life, something both partners contribute to— and something this relationship “coach” does not acknowledge or explore objectively.
If you go to Michaela Boehm’s website, you’ll find that she has reviews of her work with full name and titles of her clients. This is a first red flag of an unethical practitioner— breaching confidentiality.
A sex therapist or therapist will not identify their clients on social media or their websites (or a tv show, obviously)
A sex therapist or therapist will not ask their clients to simulate sex or touch their clients
A sex therapist facilitates conversations around power, sex, and safety, but should never “coach” you on what to do with your body
A “coach” is unfortunately not an uncommon practitioner to run into in the world of sex and relationships— and I would argue sex and relationship services have one of the highest likelihood for abuse and ethical violations— at least for adult clients. These people are talking to you about your most intimate needs, and they are by no means at all trained on ethics, mental health, or power dynamics. A coach is simply a person who decided they knew what they were talking about, and they want to tell you what to do. They may very well give you some good insight or even occasionally valid advice—the problem with their lack of credentials or ethical codes is that it creates an unsafe power dynamic, putting both “coach” and client in danger—causing harm and breaking client boundaries.
Meet Miss Jaiya, a “somatic sexologist”
A somatic sexologist is generally someone who has paid a certificate program 10+ thousand dollars to specifically focus on the way sex feels in the body, to get in touch with touch itself, including touching clients and watching clients touch each other. They do not need a license, extensive training, or higher education. Not only does Jaiya violate what would be a sex therapists ethical boundaries by touching and coaching clients on how to touch, but she also brings her male partner into sessions and has clients watch them have tantric sex—orgasming in front of the clients.
Again, I want to be mindful that if you found this entertaining, that is not shameful— It’s pretty pornographic— it’s normal to find these things entertaining, intriguing, and even sexy. The reality of this circumstance, however, is that someone has claimed a position of power and expertise, and then cornered a client into a sexual interaction. It isn’t safe, and can actually be traumatic to the unwitting participant. It’s normal to find tantric sex to be exciting with your partner(s), it is not normal or safe for a therapist to lead you in that experience. This is a form of sex work advertising itself as mental wellness. It can create safety concerns for both client and “sexologist” because the boundaries are not clearly defined for either participant. I have no intention of shaming sex work, but Jaiya should advertise it as what it is. This is not therapy. If you are interested in working with a somatic sexologist, be aware that these people are not mental health trained, and they are not bound by a code of ethics or licensure.
A sex therapist or therapist will not ask their clients to simulate sex or touch their clients
A sex therapist facilitates conversations around power, sex, and safety, but should never “coach” you on what to do with your body
A sex therapist will never be nude in front of you nor will they simulate sex on themselves or others in front of you
Now let me introduce you to Darshana “erotic wholeness coach”
At this point I don’t think I have to explain to you, reader, that yet again this is essentially a made up title that does not require licensure, ethics, extensive training, or higher education.
Darshana— an unassuming granola “coach” with a beautiful home giving off Cottagecore aesthetic has her clients stay the weekend, get naked, and have sex in the home while being coached. She has clients get naked in front of her, and she comments on their childhood making wide assumptions about their hangups. Don’t let the blanket over the client fool you— this is still inappropriate and unsafe.
A sex therapist or therapist will not ask their clients to simulate sex or touch their clients
A sex therapist facilitates conversations around power, sex, and safety, but should never “coach” you on what to do with your body
A sex therapist will not have the client remove their clothing
At this point, I hope my writing is feeling redundant to you, because that means you’ve learned some of the major red flags of sexual “educators” and what an ethical practitioner doesn’t look like. I wish I were done, but please hang in there just a moment longer.
This is Amina. Amina advertises herself as, yep you guessed it, a “coach”—Specifically, Amina is an “intimacy coach.”
She has some great messages about body acceptance and beauty, but then she disrobes in front of the client facing a mirror. She asks the clients to do the same.
It’s ok for a sex therapist to encourage a client to look at themselves in a mirror, but in front of them? Absolutely not. Go home and look at your body, sure, but not in the office. Once again, coaches are not bound by ethics or licensure, so they can push clients to do thing that are uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable getting naked in front of someone who has power over you— that’s not surprising! No practitioner should ask you to do this.
A sex therapist or therapist will not ask their clients to simulate sex or touch their clients
A sex therapist facilitates conversations around power, sex, and safety, but should never “coach” you on what to do with your body
A sex therapist will not have the client remove their clothing nor will the therapist remove their own clothing
Last, but certainly not least, we have the shocking practice of Betty Dodson. Betty is a New York artist and feminist “sex educator” which means at some point she maybe went through a certificate program, but she didn’t have to because anyone can call themselves a sex educator. It’s important that we have sex educators, but Betty crosses a very real and dangerous line.
Betty heads what she calls “the orgasm project” where for decades she has used the tool in the photo to manually bring women to orgasm and also brings herself to orgasm in front of those same clients. Not only is Betty touching her clients, she’s having sex with them. No ethical sex educator or therapist will ever do this. This is once again an unsafe power imbalance because it is sex work disguised as healthcare.
A sex therapist or therapist will not ask their clients to simulate sex or touch their clients
A sex therapist facilitates conversations around power, sex, and safety, but should never “coach” you on what to do with your body
A sex therapist will not have the client remove their clothing nor will the therapist remove their own clothing
A sex therapist or educator will not have sex with or in front of their clients
Photo from Lana Ko: Shutterstock
At this point you’re probably understanding that a sex therapist should not touch or coach clients, should not be nude or ask clients to be nude, and should definitely not simulate sex or orgasm in front of or with clients. A sex therapist should not insist or tell you what is “wrong” with you, either.
What should a sex therapist do?
A sex therapist should be licensed as a mental health practitioner in your state and should minimally have a master’s degree in mental health therapy in order to receive that license.
A sex therapist should be actively pursuing continuing education in sex therapy practices— the most famous certification program to have is AASECT certification which takes years (and a lot of $$) to achieve. There is no license specific for sex therapy, so ask your therapist what makes them specifically capable of sex therapy.
A sex therapist will never call themselves a “coach” but may specifically offer sex education alongside therapy. It’s ok to talk to an educator or coach, but be aware these people aren’t always what they advertise— it’s not a regulated term— a coach or educator is not a therapist (but a therapist might say they are a therapist AND educator).
A sex therapist works with clients to:
Recognize barriers to a healthy sex life and connect the client to medical professionals when it seems necessary or possible there is a medical health concern
Work through or grieve sexual trauma and shame utilizing talk therapy
Learn to communicate boundaries and know what boundaries are important to the client
Navigate what safety feels like
Explore sex and gender identities through talk therapy (client as the professional on their own identity)
Educate clients with their consent on various sexual wellness topics
Navigate clients sexual wellness questions with curiosity and openness
Teach safety, consent, and self-acceptance
Why didn’t Gwyneth have a real sex therapist on her show? Because it probably isn’t entertaining enough. Sex therapy is a therapist and client safely talking through sexual concerns over a longer period of time. You can’t “fix” your sex life or learn everything you might want to know in just a weekend or an episode. Therapy is hard work, but it’s rewarding— and it’s also confidential. For all of these reasons, it cannot be safely or accurately captured on a buzzfeed-esque television show.
It is difficult to define a sex therapist as one thing, because everyone comes to therapy with a unique background and reasoning. With that being said, I hope this has helped you recognize what is a safe and unsafe client and sex therapist relationship. If there is a question that was not covered or an aspect that has confused you, please don’t hesitate to ask in the comments!
Therapy should feel safe and should not involve feeling ashamed. If you ever feel uncomfortable or ashamed in therapy, please know you can leave. Do not go to a therapist who makes you feel that way.